My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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