I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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