why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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