id be glad to
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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