Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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