They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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