this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
