when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
