dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
