My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Randomize
