I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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