we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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