Already got asked if we're dating
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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