Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
