I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
