Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
