I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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