Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
