I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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