Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
