I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
