I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
