I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
