My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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