If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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