I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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