There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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