From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The police scanner is talking about you again....
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
