This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
