I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
