Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
