Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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