you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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