I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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