i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
