Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
