Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
