If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
