dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
