im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
