I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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