i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
