i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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