god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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