it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
