You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love having hate sex.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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