I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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