I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
