have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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