from now on my penis is your penis
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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