the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
