and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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