If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How does one acquire holy water?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
