Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Come share oat with me in your robe
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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