My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
