if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
