Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
