Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
